Ew, the thought of starting over. When you’re 40 whatever years old, most of the time, the thought of starting over is just dumb. Starting over in your career… lame. Starting over in a relationship… lame. Starting over on dinner…. not happening, we’re going out to eat.
One morning, a few weeks ago, I went to log in to my blog and as I finished typing the password and pressed “enter”, a demonic little phrase appeared in blood red font…. “password incorrect”. I laughed out loud and proceeded to slowly re enter my password, pressed enter and again…. “password incorrect.” Now for me, passwords are not precious, secret codes that I choose carefully, to protect someone from accessing my very personal information. No, for me passwords are crazy little, alpha numeric nonsense phrases, used as tools against me, to make me angry and frustrated, constantly reminding me of how scatterbrained and unorganized I really am.
I have one password. One password for every account that I have ever created and will ever create. So if you figure out my password, Kim Klinge is no more, pretty much. Sometimes there are slight changes that need to be made, one uppercase, one lower case, whatever. But I have one password. They always tell me to “write down your password so you don’t lose it”. That’s fine for most people, but when you were born in the 70’s and were ADD, before ADD was a thing, you write crap down and then you lose the paper you wrote it down on, spend hours trying to look for that paper only to realize you have no idea what you’re even looking for. So no, I’m not writing down a password as if I had a tiny spiral bound note book that I keep on me at all times that says “Dream Big” on it, to organize all my very different, perfectly crafted, thoughtfully chosen passwords. One password. Every time.
I re-entered that password, every way imaginable. I gave the password to my sister, who by the way , probably does have a Dream Big spiral password notebook, because she actually is the most organized person on the planet (well her and my oldest). So hopefully she could enter it all the ways she could possibly think of, to try to access my blog. I then tried to reset my password, and realized the email account attached to my blog was deleted a year ago…. when we moved to Texas. Frenzied thoughts of “you’re going to have to START OVER” began to fill my mind and as quickly as those thoughts arrived I combated them with NO!!!!! NEVER!!!!! It got to a point where I was frantically trying to contact the human beings behind WordPress, because clearly this is an emergency, and I needed them to reset my password. Almost immediately, it became clear that there are no human beings behind WordPress, it is all just internet mumbo jumbo, world wide web, automatic replying, robots, void of any capacity to think of complex situations that would require a system override to reset a password.
All the paths of all my efforts were rapidly being squeezed into one……disastrous……direction, as if they were on a 10 lane highway being reduced to one lane. And that lane had a huge, neon flashing sign yelling at me; “START OVER AHEAD!”.
Ughhhhhhhh. Like so much Ughhhhhhhhh.
Why? Why is starting over so grueling? All the time we spent, turns out wasted. All the thoughts we had, turn up forgotten. The goals of longevity, erased. Building a history, documenting life, gone. It’s a draining feeling. I grew tired just thinking about starting over. I sat in it for a good few weeks, walking by my computer every day muttering “I’m not scared of you, I’ll throw you straight into that pool! I don’t need you!” Days and weeks of fear and doubt, preventing me from just committing.
Today I thought about what a huge breath of invigorating, revitalizing, rejuvenating, fresh air, starting over in Texas has been. Fear wrapped in hope, being unknown in our town, but remaining known in my faith, not knowing where we are leading our kids, but remaining confident in our Leader. Im not going to say its been a “blessing”, mainly because everyone uses the word blessing as a synonym for when things make you feel good…. “Oh hey, its such a blessing to be at the John Crist show tonight”.. sorry what? That’s not a blessing, that’s just super fun. “What a blessing , they have coke instead of Pepsi” Ya, no. Not a blessing. So lets see, I guess the words I would use to summarize the result so far, from us starting over in Texas, would have to be, abundantly satisfied.
And with that, today, I will start over, my blog. I will continue to trust that the things that continue to take me by surprise, are not shocking at all to God. The things that take me by surprise, were signed off on by God, and He pays attention to every detail of my life, as it is the sole purpose for the ransom He paid with the life of His son.
So go on! If you have to start over, do it! Do it like you just turned 40 and you’re going to that Pearl Jam concert with a bunch of girlfriends from high school! Do it with passion! Do it with zeal! Do it with verve! The heck is verve? Anyway… do it with Christ in front of you, leading every step, confident in the end goal.
My goal is to never stop sharing the radical impact Christ has had on my life, even if it means starting over.
So Agrippa said to Paul, “You have permission to speak for yourself.” Then Paul stretched out his hand and made his defense: “I consider myself fortunate that it is before you, King Agrippa, I am going to make my defense today against all the accusations of the Jews, especially because you are familiar with all the customs and controversies of the Jews. Therefore I beg you to listen to me patiently. “My manner of life from my youth, spent from the beginning among my own nation and in Jerusalem, is known by all the Jews. They have known for a long time, if they are willing to testify, that according to the strictest party of our religion I have lived as a Pharisee. And now I stand here on trial because of my hope in the promise made by God to our fathers, to which our twelve tribes hope to attain, as they earnestly worship night and day. And for this hope I am accused by Jews, O king! Why is it thought incredible by any of you that God raises the dead? “I myself was convinced that I ought to do many things in opposing the name of Jesus of Nazareth. And I did so in Jerusalem. I not only locked up many of the saints in prison after receiving authority from the chief priests, but when they were put to death I cast my vote against them. And I punished them often in all the synagogues and tried to make them blaspheme, and in raging fury against them I persecuted them even to foreign cities.
Paul Tells of His Conversion
“In this connection I journeyed to Damascus with the authority and commission of the chief priests. At midday, O king, I saw on the way a light from heaven, brighter than the sun, that shone around me and those who journeyed with me. And when we had all fallen to the ground, I heard a voice saying to me in the Hebrew language, ‘Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting me? It is hard for you to kick against the goads.’ And I said, ‘Who are you, Lord?’ And the Lord said, ‘I am Jesus whom you are persecuting. But rise and stand upon your feet, for I have appeared to you for this purpose, to appoint you as a servant and witness to the things in which you have seen me and to those in which I will appear to you, delivering you from your people and from the Gentiles—to whom I am sending you to open their eyes, so that they may turn from darkness to light and from the power of Satan to God, that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me.’
Testimony of Paul to King Agrippa – Acts 26 – around 35 AD